A Mother's Love
by diamonddust17
Summary: 3 chapter ficlet, mostly Zainab centred about her feelings about Syed. Bit angsty.  Um.. I'm awful at summaries. Just read! :D :p
1. Chapter 1

It seems I either only have really long stories or really short stories. This came to me last night. Was originally meant to be a oneshot but my pesky brain thought it would be a good idea to add a cliffhanger. EE, eat your heart out!

I'm going to post as much as possible now otherwise I won't do it, hench the shoddy seperation of chapters.

There will be 3 chapters to this and then it will be done.

Mostly Zainab centered.

Please R+R! I'm a bit worried about characterisation.

* * *

One of the blessings of losing everything, Zainab surmised, was the liberation of having nothing left to lose. An objective observer would look at her life and think she was fortunate – and she was, she thanked Allah for all of it- but deep within the recesses of her heart, Zainab was lost. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, most of the time she would not even admit it to herself, but there were these rare moments in between sleep and wakefulness where for a split second, Zainab could _see_. She could see that her marriage to Masood had irrevocably changed. It was different, overly cautious, as if they were both feeling their way through it, as opposed to the way they leapt over those crevices and obstacles in their marriage, hand in hand, as they had before. She could see that the family business was getting on quite well without her input and that _hurt_. She needed to be needed. She could see that Tamwar would no longer allow himself to be guided by her. It pained her to admit it but she saw it when she looked into his eyes- he was a man now. She saw that in his stance, in the way he stood up to her and Masood about-

And Kamil. Her beautiful, darling Kamil that would be the beacon of shining light guiding her and Masood to shore. Kamil that would make everything better, Kamil that would, even if it killed her, come out right. Kamil, that it hurt to hold sometimes- not because she saw so much of _him _in the youngster, no, not because of that, but because she hadn't wanted him. She had actually wanted to do what so many others of her faith had done and been derided for until their dying days. Everytime she held him, she sent out a silent plea of apology, a plea she silently _knew _he'd understand.

Him. The son who could never do anything wrong. Who had always held his family- her- in such high regard. It gave Zainab a stabbing pain in her heart only a mother would know, when she thought of him. Many moons ago, Carol had said things that hurt her deeply. She couldn't understand. No-one could. Not until they had been betrayed. Betrayed. That word didn't seem to ring true anymore. Not really.

Had Sy- _he _betrayed her? Yes, the voice in Zainab's head replied. He'd betrayed her with every smile he bestowed on that man who had so cruelly snatched her son away from her, betrayed her with every laugh he wasn't sharing with his family...

But- Zainab's heart cried, a traitor Zainab desperately tried to shove down. How real had his laughs been with the family? She couldn't remember the last time, towards the end, Syed- there, she had said it- had smiled a genuine smile that hadn't turned into a grimace, or laughed a laugh that hadn't been shrouded in pain. She pretended she hadn't seen. Had ignored the way he stared into the distance, in a reverie so deep, no-one could pull him out of, lost in a distant world of... Zainab shuddered to think of it. He wasn't her son anymore. She didn't know anything about him. All those horrible gay things that man had made him do... brainwashed him into thinking was ok. She wanted no part of it.

She had seen them. Walking in the square. Talking, laughing. The tender glances they gave each other, the little touches they shared. It was sick. Or it would be, if she could not see herself and Masood countless years earlier, doing the same thing in secret- suffering the shame afterwards.

Why was her mind thinking of shame? She really needed to get more sleep, she could no longer use the excuse of Kamil for her sleepless nights, for he had settled down at nights now. There were absolutely no similarities between herself and Masood and her... those two men. No similarities.

But then... her heart refused to be locked away tonight. Zainab closed her eyes in pain, she would need to find another way to keep that pesky thing under wraps. Then, why would Syed risk _everything_. His reputation, his family, his beautiful wife for what? A fling? Sex? And Syed- so hesitant to go back to his mother, in the way Zainab had been so certain he would, once he realised the error of his ways. The force of the thought hit her with all the weight of a 100 tonne truck. He wouldn't be coming back. Birthdays... Christmases, Ramadans, all of them flashed before her eyes. She would be without her firstborn for all those years. And when she was old, and close to death, he would not be there. What was it all for?

It had been 6 months. Zainab could hardly believe it. 6 months living with an elephant in the room, the silence when Tamwar even dared to _breathe _his name. 6 months, waiting for the door to ring and for it to be her son, the eternal wanderer, with his bags and the burden of his apology weighing him down. Waiting to hear those golden words, that wouldn't _quite _make everything right, but would begin to darn that gaping great hole in the footbridge between mother and son mutual understanding. 'Mum, I'm sorry.'

They never came. Zainab felt wronged,still, even now, 6 months down the line. What had she done to deserve this? Everything she'd done was meant in the best possible way. She felt her thoughts become increasingly bitter. She was only trying to protect him from the force of people's reactions, the extent of which she knew all too well. Hadn't she been through it? Did she not have the scars to prove it? She had suffered for her love. She did not want her son to suffer in the same way for something _less_ than love. But here she was, 6 months since her son had left to live with him, 6 months since she'd had to pretend they didn't live 5 minutes away from each other and she was still waiting.

Except the backlash to Syed's misdemeanour, hadn't been as strong as she'd first thought. The families that ignored them, were families Zainab hadn't been so keen on anyway. Bushra was still a friend to the family,albeit, a competitive one. Parveen certainly hadn't seemed to care, Bushra had shared, in shocked delight at her daughter's sense of 'adventurousness', that Parveen, now back from the US and working for a huge law firm, upon hearing of the 'scandal' had sought Syed out and spoken to him several times on the telephone and had even made plans to meet Christian. Bushra had hastened to add that she did not condone such behaviour but, wrinkling, her nose, had said her daughter was impossibly headstong. Zainab knew deep down the only reason the Abassi family and the others were still in contact with her was because they had publically disowned him. But Bushra, seemed to actually _care _about Syed. She had asked if he was happy many times and Zainab had had to answer that she didn't know to Bushra's disappointed 'oh's.

Zainab had finally realised, there would be no fire set on Syed's home. They weren't in Pakistan anymore. Whether that was good or bad was immaterial, they simply weren't in Pakistan.

She couldn't understand her son and that man. What they didn't- or did- have. But she could try. Couldn't she?

The moan of the phone interrupted the perfect silence of the night. Masood mumbled sleepily. He would be of no use. Zainab grabbed her robe and shuffled to the phone. She felt older than she was. Grabbing the receiver before it could let another ring out, Zainab answered, her voice croaky with sleep. 'Hello?'

'Zainab?'

It was _him_. She'd know that voice anywhere. He sounded- what? Upset. Like he'd been crying. Those gays, they always made a big deal out of everything...

Her entire world collapsed in the next second as she heard his next words.

'Syed's been rushed to hospital. '

* * *

It had been 3 days since Zainab had got the panicked call from Christian. She had not yet found the courage to go and see her son for fear of what she'd find. She had hurriedly whispered the news to Tamwar when the morning came after the phone call. He had been just as panicked as the man and had given his mother an exasperated look that said nothing but 'What are you still doing here? Go!' She was certain her son would definitely go, and indeed, had heard Tamwar say he had to 'sort out uni stuff' and knew he had been to see his brother. Of course, they both knew, if she really wanted to stop Tamwar from seeing Syed _she_, not Masood, only had to say it was forbidden. But for some reason, unbeknownst to her, she didn't.

After Tamwar came back, he gave his mother a significant look and, when his father was out of the room- for he'd expressively forbid anyone to see Syed- he had passed on the news that Syed had suffered a ruptured appendix and was recuperating, which meant Zainab didn't find it serious enough to break her enforced ban. But here she was 2 days later and Syed was still recuperating. She had to see him, if only to tell him she'd have nothing further to do with him. Nothing he didn't already know, of course, but it wouldn't hurt for him to have it reiterated in the face of his illness.

So she'd left Kamil with Tamwar, told Masood she was going shopping in Oxford Street and had set out.

She arrived at the address Tamwar gave her, both bemused and impressed. It appeared Christian had moved Syed to another, a _private_ hospital the day after the operation. You definitely knew this place was private the second you walked in as it was more like a home than a hospital, there were no white walls in sight and a pleasant smell of apple and cloves pervaded the air instead of a cloying disinfectant smell. She looked at her crumpled piece of paper, he was in room number 6. Here she was. She could hear laughter. She knocked on the door, feeling strangely nervous. 'Come in.' That was _he_- the man- how dare he tell her whether she could enter her own son's room... pushing aside her feelings of anger, she opened the door.

'Aunty Zainab.'

That woman in front of her could not be the dowdy Parveen. She was dressed elegantly, in a pencil skirt and fitted blazer, her hair was curled... and perhaps the most surprising thing of all, she was _wearing makeup_.

She smiled distractedly, as she looked past Parveen to see her son. He was asleep in the softest looking king sized bed, looking very small and younger than usual. His hair was falling into his eyes. She put out a hand to move it away. Christian pushed it back, casually; not seeing the momentous will it took for Zainab to even _touch _her son.

'Zainab.' Christian said, evenly.

She started to nod to him but turned her head towards Parveen at the last minute. She did not see the look that passed between Parveen and Christian.

'Aunty Zainab. So good to see you.' Parveen said, as she regarded Zainab coolly. 'I was just leaving so I'd better-' She motioned to the door.

'Bye, Christian.' She turned to Christian and gave him a beaming, genuine smile. He smiled back. Zainab turned away awkwardly. 'Come 'ere.' She heard Christian say. Zainab couldn't resist looking to see what was happening now, and what she saw shocked her. They were hugging each other.

'Don't be a stranger, ok Parveen? Sy was so pleased to hear from you.'

'You two, 'A glance at Zainab- ', really do make a lovely couple. Don't worry, I'll see you very soon Christian! I plan to actually beat you at Travel Scrabble!' She turned to Zainab, 'Can you believe he beat me 3 times in a row?' She smiled at Christian proudly. 'Turns out he's not as stupid as he looks.'

'Oi!' Another tight squeeze. 'I'm insulted.'

'Yeah, yeah.' She patted Christian on the back and stepped away. 'See you.'

'See ya.'

'And tell Syed-'

'-I will.'

Zainab felt like she'd stepped into the Twilight Zone. First Syed being in a _private _hospital, and now this. What next? Nadim doing ballet?

Parveen nodded at Zainab and walked towards the door. Zainab all but ran to her, clutching at anything to avoid being left with that man. 'Parveen, it's been so long. Let's go out for lunch.' Parveen considered her, looking like she wanted nothing less than to go for lunch with her. 'Ok.' She said, with the most apathetic tone she'd heard in a while. Zainab made a mental note to tell Bushra about the impudence of her daughter. 'I can only spare 10 minutes though, I'm sorry, I've just got _so much on _at the firm.' Was it Zainab, or did she hear a spot of exaggeration in her voice?

They left the room, Zainab chattering wildly about anything she could think of and Parveen becoming more and more silent and withdrawn as they left the hospital grounds.

'This is fine.' Parveen gestured at a small cafe a couple of streets away from the hospital. Zainab grabbed a seat on one of the outside chairs. Parveen looked at her in surprise. 'Thought you didn't like sitting outside in cafes?'

'This is fine.' Zainab said, trying to hide the pain in her voice and wondering if they disinfected the table.

'What would you like? It's my treat.' Zainab pushed the menu towards Parveen.

'Thanks Aunty but I'll just have a coffee, I haven't got time.'

'No, no. A coffee? No wonder you're so thin if you don't _eat _anything. Men like women with healthy curves, girl.'

Parveen looked at Zainab almost coldly. 'Then it's a good thing I'm concentrating on my career, isn't it?'

They sat in silence. Stalemate.

'I don't know what he's told you-' Zainab started.

'If by _he_, you mean Christian, then he told me enough. Enough for me, frankly, to be surprised that you visited. What swung it for you? The curiosity? I saw the look on your face-'

'Don't talk to me like that!' Zainab felt herself getting angry.

Parveen continued, her eyes widening sarcastically. 'You were actually surprised, weren't you. That they could afford a private hospital. Why? Did you not think a gay couple could actually be successful-'

'Don't say that?'

'What, couple? You don't like that, do you? My _mother _thinks more of your son than you do! They're not even related, not really.'

Zainab stared at this beautiful strong woman, a woman she no longer knew and burst into tears.

Parveen hailed a waiter and ordered her coffee and asked for him to bring tissues. He stared at Zainab like she had sprouted another head and hurried off to get the tissues.

He placed them on the table then all but ran away.

Parveen passed Zainab a tissue. 'Look, I'm sorry.'

Zainab blew her nose. 'Nothing else to be said.' She got up to leave. Parveen stopped her with a warm hand.

'I'm bringing my personal stuff into it. I really am sorry, Aunty.'

Zainab sat down. 'What?' She said groggily. 'What personal stuff?'

'Oh, of course, you don't know.' Parveen laughed bitterly. 'Abdim.'

Zainab felt herself tense without knowing why. Parveen continued, 'My brother.'

She took a deep breath and proceeded to tell Zainab the story. 'I'd always known something was different with Abdim, the same way, actually, I noticed Syed was hiding something when you and Mum tried to set us up. Abdim was my big brother, he was my hero. Anyway, I can't remember how, but someone found out he was having a relationship with his best friend. His best _male _friend. I was pretty young at the time, I didn't understand why Mum and Dad were shouting at each other everyday, why no-one wanted to know us anymore... I only saw what it did to my brother. He'd promised Mum and Dad he'd try as hard as he could to please them. Only, it didn't work. He'd stayed away from all men, only left the house to go to Mosque- he was forbidden to go anywhere else- but he became a shell. He wasn't my smart, brave, funny brother anymore. He wasn't...' Her voice broke. 'Sorry. He wasn't anything. He'd managed to live like that for years. He confided in me when I turned 16. Told me how sorry he was for bringing shame on the family. When I told him I didn't care a whit about shame and that I only wanted him to be happy, he cried onto my shoulder and told me he hadn't been happy since everyone had found out. I wanted him to be happy, so for a while, I became their go-between, smuggled notes to and fro. Until Anwar- that was his boyfriend's name- got beaten up by his dad and his uncles. I guess I don't need to tell you what happened next.'

Zainab stared at Parveen, wanting to hear it for herself, yet fearing her premonitions being confirmed.

'Anwar died. Abdim was broken. Stopped doing anything, stopped speaking, stopped washing- oh and _here's _the thing that really upset Mum and Dad, he stopped praying.' She tugged at her hair in disgust. 'One day, we all went out to a family party. I didn't want to leave him, but he looked at me in the most urgent way, he was telling me he'd be fine. I left the party early. I was so worried about him, but... it was too late. I found him hanging from his bedroom ceiling.' Parveen began sobbing, making painful snuffling noises.

Zainab didn't know what to say. She placed a hand on Parveen's shoulder. Parveen shrugged her off fiercely.

'No!' She screamed, tears streaming from her eyes, her hair flying everywhere.

'Don't you touch me! It could have happened to Syed, don't you see that? _He tried to kill himself! _It could have been him... I'm not going to shun Syed. Not when he needs anyone he can get, not when my brother... he needed me, Zainab.' All show of honorific was lost in Parveen's emotions. 'He needed me. Like Syed needs you. But go on.' She sneered. 'You reject him, because of your _stupid pride_!' She looked at Zainab for a wordless moment, then sprinted away, pushing past the bemused waiter clutching her coffee.

Zainab sat in silence, digesting what she'd been told. Whenever she'd asked after Abdim, Bushra had told her he'd moved abroad. She hadn't known, hadn't even guessed _this_. She'd always thought it odd that Bushra had asked after Syed so much... how would she had felt if she'd known about the suicide attempt they had covered up. Suddenly, words echoed in Zainab's head. 'It would have been better if you had died...' Zainab felt bile rise up in her throat and wanting to be anywhere other than where she was, she bounded out of her seat and flew towards the uncomplicated safety of a baby son and a husband.


	2. Chapter 2

I've got the next (and final) chapter completed... I'll post it tomorrow if anyone's interested.

But yeah, here's the next bit, it's only short!

Please R+R if you like it, hate it, whatever! :)

* * *

Meanwhile, at the hospital, sleepy eyes were beginning to blink and see.

'Hey Syed.' Christian kissed his lover softly on the forehead.

'Christ- Christian.' Syed said, with a sleepy smile.

'How are you feeling?'

'I'm 'kay. A bit bored now, do I still need to be here?'

'The doctor says one more night.'

'Oh.' Syed looked around at the large room, rather like his bedroom at his parents' house. He saw a card on the bedside table that hadn't been there when he was last awake. 'Parveen?'

'The one and only.' Christian lay on top of the covers next to Syed, distributing his body weight evenly, taking special care not to disturb his scar. 'She's been really great, Sy.'

'I was awful to her when we first met.'

'Yeah, she told me, 'Boyish face'? Sy, that's just shameful.'

'In my defense, I was acting straight.'

'So that's what you call it?' Christian teased.

Christian hesitated. He didn't know if he should tell him his mother had come to see him. He didn't want to get his hopes up, which invariably happened whenever his mother was mentioned, and she _had _left pretty sharpish and he wasn't sure if she'd be back... biting the bullet, he decided to broach the subject.

'Sy,' He said carefully, taking care to keep his tone measured. 'Someone else came to see you.'

'Yeah? Who?' Syed turned to look at Christian. 'Not the people from work, surely? They don't like me because I got the job they all wanted... oh no, work! Do they know?' Christian gently nudged Syed back on the bed, he'd jumped up in panic.

'Course they know. How do you think we're paying for this?' Christian laughed.

Syed frowned. He didn't like it when Christian was self-effacing, his business was very successful. He was in talks with the solicitors to build a gym, he could have paid for the private healthcare himself (not that Syed would let him) if Syed hadn't had coverage from work.

He bit his lip. 'So... who was it?'

Christian looked at Syed, gauging his reaction as he said two words. 'Your mother.'

Syed rolled over, making a moan of pain from his scar. 'Christian, can you tell them to increase my painkillers? '

'Sy.'

'I lied, it does hurt.'

'SY! So you don't care?'

'Nope.' Something in Syed's eyes told Christian he wasn't _entirely _lying, which was new. 'She knows where to find us.'

'Us?' Christian stared into Syed's eyes, his heart leaping.

'Us.' Syed repeated, smiling.

A nurse burst in, hurriedly. 'Oh, sorry.' She smiled. 'Um, quick question, there's a visitor for you Syed. She wants to know if she can come in because she came earlier, and you know, you have to say... I could send her away?'

'Er...' Syed shrugged, grimacing. 'Let her in.'

'Poor wee baby!' The nurse said, coming over to Syed. 'I'll tell the doctor to increase your meds.' She jumped up, remembering the visitor, and left the room.

'I like her.' Syed said as he snuggled into Christian's arms.

'Yeah, I bet you do. She babies you more than your mother...'

Christian trailed off as he saw Zainab, staring at them from the door. Christian tried to get up but Syed held him in position. 'Us.' He heard Syed sigh onto his neck.

Syed sat up. 'Hi.'

'Hello.' Zainab said stiffly, still at the door.

'Sit down.' Christian offered, gesturing to a chair Zainab hadn't seen in the left hand corner.

Feeling awkward, he offered to get coffees for them.

'Stay.' Syed wheedled, feeling wary of his mother and feeling he had every right to feel so.

'I'd quite like a coffee.' Zainab looked everywhere but at Christian's face.

Casting an apologetic glance at Syed, Christian left the room.

Mother and son sat in silence. There were no words they wanted or needed to say.

'Well?' Syed asked.

'What?'

'Why did you come here?'

'I don't know.' Zainab said, deliberately.

'Great answer, I'll see you next year then...'

'Don't be flippant.' Zainab smiled grudgingly. 'You've been keeping company with Parveen for too long.'

'She's lovely.' Syed glanced at his mother. 'But you didn't come here to talk about Parveen.'

'Actually... ' His mother played with her fingers. She couldn't possibly be nervous?

'I did. Well, sort of.'

Syed waited. The words that were next out of his mother's mouth, though not affectionate by anyone's standards, shocked him to the core.

'You forgot this.' She handed him his red scarf. 'When you left. It will be getting cold soon, can't have you in hospital _again _with pneumonia.'

Which Syed guessed, was Zainab speech for 'I'm sorry.'


	3. Chapter 3

I apologise in advance for the cheesecake tangent... no idea what I was thinking but I had to keep it in because it reminded me of Syed's stringy hips tangent in the reunion ep!

I'm quite pleased with how this came out in the end and also pleased I've finished my first fic that isn't a one-shot, so I think I deserve lots of reviews for that! :p

Posted it today instead of tomorrow because I'm probably going to run out of internet/forget/just not post it...

So here goes...

Hope you enjoy the final bit.

* * *

'Why him?'

'Sorry?'

Zainab had finished talking to Syed. 3 hours later, Christian still hadn't returned from getting coffee, making it the longest time Zainab had ever known anyone to take.

'Christian.' Zainab enunciated the 3 syllables as if Syed was an imbecile for not realising the first time.

'What do you mean why him?' Zainab watched, in abject disbelief as Syed's face began to widen in a happy, soppy smile. 'There's no-one else.' Syed said simply.

'But- Amira?' Zainab was trying but she still didn't understand. Amira was attractive, a bit spoiled but nice enough. She wasn't exactly intelligent but you couldn't have _everything_.'

'Mum!' Syed said, his patience wearing thin. 'I never loved Amira. I was fond of her, but there was absolutely nothing there. I told myself I loved her so I could justify what I was doing. I dunno... it's like...cheesecake flavoured yoghurt and cheesecake.'

'_What?' _Zainab was lost now.

'Say you're craving cheesecake mum, and someone comes up to you with cheesecake flavoured yoghurt. You're fond of it, you might even grow to think of it as an ok substitute for cheesecake but at the back of your mind, you want something more but because you've never tasted it, you think cheesecake flavoured yoghurt will do. Then one day, someone gives you cheesecake and it's the most amazing thing ever and you can't imagine living without it because he... I mean it, makes everything brighter and perfect and amazing .' Syed looked pensive. 'But then someone snatches the cheesecake away and tells you you can never have it again and you know what it's like and the thought of living without it makes you want to die...' He trailed off. 'I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this am I?'

'No... I think I understand. So Christian's cheesecake?' Zainab couldn't suppress her smile at those two words being put together.

'No.'

Zainab raised an eyebrow and made an exasperated motion that screamed 'What were you talking about then?'

'Christian's...' Syed closed his eyes, his face lighting up. 'Christian's the most exquisite cheesecake imaginable. He's the version a Michelin star chef would make specifically for you after finding out exactly what you were looking for and then find a way to make it even more special, say by flambéing it and then-'

'I'm flambéed cheesecake?' Christian had opened the door and walked in, no doubt thinking Syed and Zainab had finished their conversation. He was clutching 3 coffee cups, that were probably stone cold.

Syed darkened imperceptibly, only the two people who were in the room at the moment would see he was blushing.

'Er... no, I was, erm, just trying to... shut up!' Syed stuttered in embarrassment. 'You weren't meant to hear that, you should have gone for another 3 coffees and taken another 3 hours! You're not very subtle, you know.'

Zainab shifted uncomfortably. She found it weird seeing them together, she didn't know who the man, so comfortable and self assured with Christian, was. He was a far cry from the person she had known 6 months ago, let alone a good while before that when he had just arrived in Walford.

'Subtlety was never my strong point.' Christian laughed, seemingly oblivious to Zainab's discomfort.

'You don't have to tell me that.' Syed teased.

'Can you two just-' Zainab clutched onto the seat of her chair for support, she was feeling lightheaded. This wasn't right.

'Zainab?' Christian got up in concern. Zainab had to hand it to him, she'd been quite awful to him when she'd found out about his _affair_ with his son and he was still concerned about her after all of it.

She held up a hand. She didn't want him to be so close to her. Everything about him, his stature, his energy, his _smell _for goodness sake reminded him that it was a _man _her son had chosen to be with.

And he had chosen to be with her son. The realisation was suddenly clear as a bell. If their relationship was just an affair based on lust, or the forbidden, it would have ended long ago. She took a moment to reflect on the fact she'd just used the word relationship to describe her son's _thing _with that man.

'You love each other.' She said weakly, her voice at least an octave higher from wonderment.

She didn't miss the look they gave each other, an expression of utter confusion, a mutual recognition that Zainab had finally got it and yes, love.

'How many times have I tried to tell you-' Syed started.

Zainab shushed him. She walked up to _him_, surveying him. As she circled round him, he didn't move an inch. He was tall, muscled- though that might mean he spent far too much time in the gym and not enough time with her son- proud, he was also stubborn, crude, loyal to the point of _stupidity_ and-

'I suppose you could do worse.' Zainab mumbled, almost despite herself.

He smiled sweetly at Zainab, trying to hide the shock. 'I suppose you could _be _worse.' He said grudgingly. 'Actually, on second thoughts-'

'Christian!' Syed admonished him.

'What?' Christian glanced at Syed, with an expression of mock hurt, 'I was only going to say...'

'Well don't.' Syed said firmly.

Christian stuck out a tongue. 'Spoilsport.'

Zainab had to add puerile to that mental list.

Syed looked from his mother to his boyfriend, wondering what would happen now.

'I don't understand...' Zainab waved her arms about, trying to find the right phrase in vain. 'What you do.' Both Syed and Christian cringed at the same moment which led Zainab to think she hadn't succeeded. Christian in particular looked profoundly pained.

'Zainab. I really appreciate...er... whatever that was. But that's just the thing, you act as if Syed and I are another species when really we're exactly the same as everyone else. We're boring, I whine at him for not cleaning up after himself-'

Zainab interjected with 'He'll never change.' Christian continued.

'He nags me for being too tidy... we watch DVDs on the sofa together, we laugh, we shout, we love. We're really no different from any other couple.'

It was Zainab's turn to look pained, though whether it was from Christian's speech or the effort of talking to him like he wasn't a worm from the planet Mars, she couldn't tell. 'I don't understand how that works.' Her voice cracked, why was she showing them she was vulnerable? She glanced at her son, her beautiful son. During his _tirade_, Christian had sat down on the bed next to him and Syed was playing with his fingers absently. He didn't even _know _he was doing it, it was as if he needed to, for what- reassurance? She felt a rush of love spring through her that was so overwhelming she had to bite her tongue for fear she'd cry out. Her son. Suddenly she was transported back to another time- a small dingy London hospital. She'd given birth to him, this man she saw before her now. He'd been so new, so perfect with his full head of hair and his little fingers and toes. She remembered feeling that same rush of love as she'd held him to her and felt those golden bonds between mother and child shoot up, tying them together. Only she'd let them become entangled. She saw it all now. Everything. As a young mother, she'd vowed to get to know her child as the person he'd grow to be. As an older one, upon finding out who he was, she'd discarded that version of her child swapping it for a fairytale version with no faults at all. He hadn't betrayed her, she'd betrayed him. Why hadn't he felt able to tell her in the first place? Because of the way _she _was, her love had been conditional and her son had known it. She suddenly wanted to cradle her son in her arms, hold him and never let him go. But she couldn't. She'd never be able to again.

'_Oh Syed_.' The lament for what could have been came out as a croak. She could have known her son for who he was all those years instead of blindly not seeing. She could have...

'What Ma?' Syed was peering at her, his brown eyes wide and innocent.

He was still her baby. He still needed her protection. Perhaps everyone did deep down. Yet she couldn't shake the fact that she had been the one to hurt him the most. Even though it was wrong, she still resented him for making her hurt him, though rationally she knew the only one to blame was herself.

Not letting her eyes leave her son's for a second, body shaking, yet full of purpose, she walked up to Christian. Christian's eyes widened in confusion. Before she could change her mind, she pulled Christian's head down gently but firmly and softly kissed him on the forehead.

Christian stared at her in shock. She only had eyes for Syed. She watched her son look from her to Christian with the most heartbreaking expression she'd ever seen, a single tear streaming down his face. Christian, as if sensing Syed's tears, pulled him into a hug. Syed gazed at his mother as if he'd never seen her before.

Zainab looked at Christian, who was still looking like someone had hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

'You take care of him, ok?' She said, through a storm of tears on her face.

'Always.'

They all sat in silence for the longest moment. It was as if they were a tableau.

Zainab broke the silence. 'I don't understand. And I can't guarantee I ever will. I don't approve, either. But, for some reason, you,' She turned to Christian, ', are what my son wants. All I know is, I've never seen him so happy.' Syed began to speak but Zainab held out a hand. 'I'm not going to come for dinner. I probably won't like you for a very long time.' Both Zainab and Christian smiled wistfully. 'But if I see you on the square, I _might_-no promises- nod. No, I don't understand this at all. To me, it's wrong. But... just give me time. '

Christian nodded first, then Syed nodded, slowly, his grin widening with each movement of his head.

The nurse popped her head around the door. 'Visiting hours are almost over. I'll give you guys 10 minutes more.' She smiled and closed the door behind her.

The silence was becoming oppressive. Zainab opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to find something to say she hadn't already said. She expected the ma- _Christian_ was secretly enjoying seeing her speechless.

'Thanks Mum.' Syed said the two words so quietly, Zainab wasn't sure she'd heard them. She turned to her son, a watery smile on her face.

'Yeah thanks _Mum_.' Christian deadpanned, and then gradually grinned.

'Shut up, you!' Zainab reluctantly at first, then genuinely found herself smiling at him.

'Sorry Zainab.' Christian said meekly, while Syed collapsed in a fit of silent giggles beside him.

The man – she thought this fondly- made her son regress to being about 12 years old, but seeing as he had acted older than his years for most of his life, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

She'd sort things out with Mas tomorrow, tell Tamwar she was _sort of_ back on speaking terms with her eldest son. He'd be thrilled. She wondered how the separation had been affecting him, maybe she'd cook him something nice tonight... she could see he was starting to look a little peaky.

Zainab was beginning to see a lot of things.


End file.
